“My hearts still beating and it beats for you. I see you.”
This is without a doubt a lesson learned that I didn’t have too learn, it’s about choosing what is best for you and making the hardest choices in life to allow your future to be as bright as it can be, this happen exactly one year ago, and the events that took place would be the push that I needed from the most unlikely of men.. let’s go back to this day exactly one year ago, I was sitting waiting for someone I was meeting for the first time but we talked for a couple weeks leading up to this so I sat and waiting for him to come pick me up, finally after waiting, he was here and as soon as I met him I just felt so comfortable and like I could be myself.
We got some beers and we went to a local place to go hiking so we could walk and talk – just get to know one another. He was in construction, loved outdoors, lived in the country, drove a truck – so he came prepared – brought us boots and of course mine would have holes in them, I can’t help but smile when I think back to how beautiful he was it was like we connected on a level that I’ve never connected with anyone, it truly was love at first sight for us both.
Naturally with me being me, maybe it was because we were drinking beers and just having a good time but we ended up not on the trail anymore but we could see a trail just down a hill so we go down the hill and of course I fell, I ate it hard. I was completely covered in mud and soaked from top to bottom so we made our way back to the truck and went back to my place so that I could change, and then we went back to his place so he could change as well – also I ended up meeting his parents and at the time they both seemed really cool – I could tell that they really loved their son which was really cool to see. After that we decided to go for dinner, so we went to Niagara Falls and went to Boston Pizza or something like that
Everything felt like a fairytale and it wasn’t just me feeling this way, him and I were very good with communicating our feelings and what was on our mind which was really cool. We both knew, we were stronger and better together and didn’t want to spend a second away from each other. So we go drunk and had a good night, it was a lot of fun – we both just felt so comfortable around each other and could feel the love we had for each other – I believe we even stayed in a hotel that night or at his parents house. We would stay in hotels a lot coming up just for the space and to be able to do whatever we wanted to do, his parents could tell that he was happy and begging to change, I don’t know if anyone knows what it’s like to care so much about someone that it’s not just about you anymore it’s about ‘us’ and truthfully I don’t think his mom liked that, I think she was jealous of me which made me feel uncomfortable. We would do every single thing together from the first day we met each other, sure his mother could make me uncomfortable but it was more uncomfortable to be away from the man that I loved – and I thought I was in love in the past but as soon as I met him, I realized I didn’t know what love was or what it was to give up so much for another human being. So as I mentioned he was in construction and we met when it was like off-season so when the ground freezes or it snows most construction workers do not work then – I was free to do what I wanted at that point also. There was so much passion and spark between us, I began to know to know everything about him and it became that if I went anywhere or if he did it was expected that we would be there together. There was one time we stayed in a hotel and had to be up at like 4am so that he could drop me off and then go to work for what would be the last time in our relationship also it would be the first and last time we ever were apart for that long.
Everyone said we were absolutely perfect together, when I moved he moved, when I smiled it was because of him. We also kinda to drink a lot more frequent we were young, had money, and in love. Nothing could or would stop us. Even though it was winter, it felt like the craziest summer love ever. It became something – something new, something completely new. I’ve always loved the poem my immortal beloved (Google It) there is a quote ‘every thine. Ever mine. Ever ours‘ and we wanted to show our love – it wasn’t winter anymore, it was spring and nice weather so we went and got it tattooed on our wrists not my first but it was his, tattoos that is.
And I know what you’re thinking but this had separate meaning for me also if(when)it didn’t work out. It’s not like I got “his name” across my forehead – night after night, hotel after hotel, drink after drink. We fell deeper and deeper, we knew what was happenin’ but we were to in love to care. Hotels became our second home because all we wanted to do was be rule free and be able to do whatever we wanted to do – doesn’t that get expensive you’re probably wondering, yep. It did but we didn’t care, we just wanted to be free together.
So he was also good at playing instruments (and not just mine) he would play in a band – and I began going to his rehearsals with him, no one seemed to mind at all. And it was a lot of fun to watch him come alive when he played. Everyone I met seemed to enjoy when I was with him because they could see how happy we made eachother – anyone could see it. I wonder if anyone who takes the time to read this knows the type of love that I’m talking about – hopeless but hopeful.
So as he was practicing with his band for a play that was coming up – I believe it was Friday to Sunday when it was no longer practice but time to do it for real, it was something like five hours and for that five hours I would go in and watch the bank play, but I would mostly sit in the truck and drink and wait for him to be done and then when he was done he would well come get drunk with me, I remember one night he said thank you to me because I would sit there for hours and hours and wait for him, and I never thought of it as anything but he said he didn’t think he knew anyone who would do that for him. I loved him effortlessly and would do anything for him anyways, we both loved the outdoors and we both loved being active which was perfect we would go hiking a lot, four wheeling and go boating. We would do whatever we wanted to do because we could. We would just have so much fun being together, going shopping or going out to eat whatever we were doing, we were together so we didn’t care.
As time pushed us along our bond was strong and our love was endless but it was me who make the first mistake that would soon lead to me in the hospital, alone wondering how. We would get drunk or drink a lot – when someone says I wish I knew then what I know now is so true, we had so many good times and not very many bad times as we planned for our future, remember he was a country boy and I was a city guy, but I grew up doing all the same things because we grew up so close to one another, another things I would always ask myself is when does compromise become compromising. There is a common theme as you’re reading and that is alcohol, it lead me to become very sick – pancreatic. The worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life, I was in the hospital and out and back in. I was on morphine and all kinds of other pain killers – I remember crying my eyes out begging him to please not leave me, while on the other end he has his parents telling him to leave me there and to just come home, and if he didn’t come home it would be hell.
Now I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me at all, I did this to myself, I know first hand I have a very addictive personality. I did it to myself, and what’s worse is I saw it effecting and hurting the person that I love, even after it became to much. It’s one of those things I can look back at and see exactly where he went wrong and where I went wrong. We were young, had money, could drive, were not limited to what we could do, but still what’s to come would cause him and I to make a choice that we didn’t think we’d have to make.