Category Archives: Let’s talk about sex

LIFE 101 | “you’ll be looking at the city and I’ll be looking at you” 18+

It’s pathetic, fuck it. I said it. It’s to soon to feel this way but I know when I have someone, and when they have me – I was laying awake not knowing what to do or how to tell you i love you, I’m so blessed to have you in my life, I’m so blessed to grab the bed sheets and pull them over the corner, looking up at your epic green eyes, you’re the only people who ever made sweat run down the centre of my body, like, it can split me in two.  Trusting my body towards you, I never thought thought I’d meet someone who could make feel alive just by saying my name | the human memory is intoxicating and will not allow me to forgive or forget your touch, just as you can’t forget my crooked smile and lip bites (and well.. you know)  – my phone can go ring, I can get a text or someone sent me a snap and I can smile knowing always when it’s you – it always starts with a hello and good intentions but I can’t help but trip over myself trying to know the words of the ending – I love being with you, acting like we are children with the world at our finger tips, driving for hours when you know I’m not home just to see me smile.

Knowing someone feels the exact same way as you doesn’t mean that you should go saying it to soon, where is the rush? It’s like we live in a world now where we have to fit properly like our hands, knowing I wouldn’t ask you to change a part of you, and I don’t think you’d ask me to change a part of me. You know when someone comes into your life and it’s a complete accident but when you get home you feel like, like how could I have wasted so much time and  energy

The city

“Love is a feeling, a feeling of happiness. Love is powerful, too powerful to play with. This feeling is strange and hard to describe, but when you fall in love, you will know it inside.”

But maybe it’s not about wasting anything, I believe and you can ask any single person who is no longer in my life or who has meant something to me that someone will come into your life when you need something from him or her – in no way do I mean you’re going to end up using that person it’s just there is certain people who need to teach us a lesson or teach us something that we forgot but we should have always remembered and it’s completely true, sometimes it is exactly what it is. Sometimes it’s hard to say goodbye and sometimes it’s even hard to accept hearing goodbye. But that’s not where I believe this whirlwind of a story is about  to take me – if anyone can tell you one thing about me it’s that I can easily get inside your head and make you do things you didn’t think you would do and it’s not that I mean to do it by any means at all, if I want something, I get it. If I want you, you’re mine. It’s like being shot and told to hold on or don’t close your eyes but sometimes it feels so good to close your eyes. Just the thought that you may have found your one-and-only can be so thrilling. But, the early stages of falling in love can be as frustrating as they are wonderful. Your new love life may consume your energy, focus, and time to the point where everything else going on in your life may feel like a rude intrusion. You can’t stop thinking about your lover. You get up and go to sleep obsessing about the relationship and what your future will look like together.

fantastic fantasy

To some of you, this reaction to love may seem over board. But, many of you know first-hand how falling in love can turn you into an obsessed, needy, and insecure person for a time. You don’t have to have emotional issues from the past to feel this way. Of course, if you do, this stage will be particularly difficult for you. Remember, the saying is not staying balanced in love, it is falling, losing your self to love. So, if you are in the early stages of falling in love right now, and you feel a little crazy, don’t worry, you kind of are. You are under the influence of your hormones that are making you feel, all at once, euphoric, endangered, and exhausted.

Keep trust in yourself as you grow. And as your mind expands and you begin to change as human being – sometimes so you don’t miss the real thing or fall face first it’s okay to take it slow and express yourself in other creative ways. 

At the end of the day, when the entire world turns it’s back on you, you’ll always have yourself. 

LIFE 101 – I.C.U 

“My hearts still beating and it beats for you. I see you.” 

This is without a doubt a lesson learned that I didn’t have too learn, it’s about choosing what is best for you and making the hardest choices in life to allow your future to be as bright as it can be, this happen exactly one year ago, and the events that took place would be the push that I needed from the most unlikely of men.. let’s go back to this day exactly one year ago, I was sitting waiting for someone I was meeting for the first time but we talked for a couple weeks leading up to this so I sat and waiting for him to come pick me up, finally after waiting, he was here and as soon as I met him I just felt so comfortable and like I could be myself.

Day one – March 25/16

We got some beers and we went to a local place to go hiking so we could walk and talk – just get to know one another. He was in construction, loved outdoors, lived in the country, drove a truck – so he came prepared – brought us boots and of course mine would have holes in them, I can’t help but smile when I think back to how beautiful he was it was like we connected on a level that I’ve never connected with anyone, it truly was love at first sight for us both.

Being cute in the water

Naturally with me being me, maybe it was because we were drinking beers and just having a good time but we ended up not on the trail anymore but we could see a trail just down a hill so we go down the hill and of course I fell,  I ate it hard. I was completely covered in mud and soaked from top to bottom so we made our way back to the truck and went back to my place so that I could change, and then we went back to his place so he could change as well – also I ended up meeting his parents and at the time they both seemed really cool – I could tell that they really loved their son which was really cool to see. After that we decided to go for dinner, so we went to Niagara Falls and went to Boston Pizza or something like that

March 25/16 – Dinner


Everything felt like a fairytale and it wasn’t just me feeling this way, him and I were very good with communicating our feelings and what was on our mind which was really cool. We both knew, we were stronger and better together and didn’t want to spend a second away from each other. So we go drunk and had a good night, it was a lot of fun – we both just felt so comfortable around each other and could feel the love we had for each other – I believe we even stayed in a hotel that night or at his parents house. We would stay in hotels a lot coming up just for the space and to be able to do whatever we wanted to do, his parents could tell that he was happy and begging to change, I don’t know if anyone knows what it’s like to care so much about someone that it’s not just about you anymore it’s about ‘us’ and truthfully I don’t think his mom liked that, I think she was jealous of me which made me feel uncomfortable. We would do every single thing together from the first day we met each other, sure his mother could make me uncomfortable but it was more uncomfortable to be away from the man that I loved – and I thought I was in love in the past but as soon as I met him, I realized I didn’t know what love was or what it was to give up so much for another human being. So as I mentioned he was in construction and we met when it was like off-season so when the ground freezes or it snows most construction workers do not work then – I was free to do what I wanted at that point also. There was so much passion and spark between us, I began to know to know everything about him and it became that if I went anywhere or if he did it was expected that we would be there together. There was one time we stayed in a hotel and had to be up at like 4am so that he could drop me off and then go to work for what would be the last time in our relationship also it would be the first and last time we ever were apart for that long. 

Driving home at 6:00am

Everyone said we were absolutely perfect together, when I moved he moved, when I smiled it was because of him. We also kinda to drink a lot more frequent we were young, had money, and in love. Nothing could or would stop us. Even though it was winter, it felt like the craziest summer love ever. It became something – something new, something completely new. I’ve always loved the poem my immortal beloved (Google It) there is a quote ‘every thine. Ever mine. Ever ours‘ and we wanted to show our love – it wasn’t winter anymore, it was spring and nice weather so we went and got it tattooed on our wrists not my first but it was his, tattoos that is.

Matching my immortal beloved tattoos

And I know what you’re thinking but this had separate meaning for me also if(when)it didn’t work out. It’s not like I got “his name” across my forehead – night after night, hotel after hotel, drink after drink. We fell deeper and deeper, we knew what was happenin’ but we were to in love to care. Hotels became our second home because all we wanted to do was be rule free and be able to do whatever we wanted to do – doesn’t that get expensive you’re probably wondering, yep. It did but we didn’t care, we just wanted to be free together.

Typical wake up

So he was also good at playing instruments (and not just mine) he would play in a band – and I began going to his rehearsals with him, no one seemed to mind at all. And it was a lot of fun to watch him come alive when he played. Everyone I met seemed to enjoy when I was with him because they could see how happy we made eachother – anyone could see it. I wonder if anyone who takes the time to read this knows the type of love that I’m talking about – hopeless but hopeful. 

So as he was practicing with his band for a play that was coming up –  I believe it was Friday to Sunday when it was no longer practice but time to do it for real, it was something like five hours and for that five hours I would go in and watch the bank play, but I would mostly sit in the truck and drink and wait for him to be done and then when he was done he would well come get drunk with me, I remember one night he said thank you to me because I would sit there for hours and hours and wait for him, and I never thought of it as anything but he said he didn’t think he knew anyone who would do that for him. I loved him effortlessly and would do anything for him anyways, we both loved the outdoors and we both loved being active which was perfect we would go hiking a lot, four wheeling and go boating. We would do whatever we wanted to do because we could. We would just have so much fun being together, going shopping or going out to eat whatever we were doing, we were together so we didn’t care.


As time pushed us along our bond was strong and our love was endless but it was me who make the first mistake that would soon lead to me in the hospital, alone wondering how. We would get drunk or drink a lot – when someone says I wish I knew then what I know now is so true, we had so many good times and not very many bad times as we planned for our future, remember he was a country boy and I was a city guy, but I grew up doing all the same things because we grew up so close to one another, another things I would always ask myself is when does compromise become compromising. There is a common theme as you’re reading and that is alcohol, it lead me to become very sick – pancreatic. The worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life, I was in the hospital and out and back in. I was on morphine and all kinds of other pain killers – I remember crying my eyes out begging him to please not leave me, while on the other end he has his parents telling him to leave me there and to just come home, and if he didn’t come home it would be hell.

Now I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me at all, I did this to myself, I know first hand I have a very addictive personality. I did it to myself, and what’s worse is I saw it effecting and hurting the person that I love, even after it became to much. It’s one of those things I can look back at and see exactly where he went wrong and where I went wrong. We were young, had money, could drive, were not limited to what we could do, but still what’s to come would cause him and I to make a choice that we didn’t think we’d have to make.

Check back 😦

LETS TALK ABOUT SEX ➡️ It’s gunna gunna blow up in my face but come on, light me up. 

So if you know me, you know I love fast and hard – outcome can typically be the same when I put expectations on it (yet at this time I didn’t realize, 55% of the problem was, well, me) so the first night I met him we went for drink and talked and he was absolutely beautiful, plus drove a sexy fast car and knew how to drive it (side note – don’t drink and drive it’s not smart) so we were both obsessed with each other, and I ended up sleeping over at him condo and he told me was his, and that his mom just got out of rehab and was staying with him haha so we get back to his place and make up a story about how we went to school together for something stupid, so we are having a smoke and who comes out at 4am but his mother and he tells me his name is.. let’s say Mark but his mom calls him John so I was like the fuck? Also the way she was talking about the condo was like she gave it away right away that it was not Johns condo it was actually his moms – and his mother did not go to rehab. In the months that follow, we ended up spending every second we possiblely could spend together so naturally I moved into his moms condo and she was the sweetest lady I’ve ever met – always made us dinner and we would always eat dinner together, I was happy we were happy but happiness is short lived in my life. We would go out a lot, go to different places, making not the smartest choices one could make – 0 to 150 is the best way I can describe our relationship, his mother noticed something different in John when I was there – his past was haunted but when I was around, I could keep the ghosts away.

The sex that we would have was amazing, backseats, counter tops, bed, floors – I could always make him cum without him touching his dick. So we were compatible in life, work, we lived together, sexually and one night we would push it even further by going to a gay bar both on grindr looking for a third, and we found one, he drove the same type of car as John and lived alone and was young and attractive but what would happen that night – changed me.. CHECK BACK FOR THE REST